A Boy And His Monster
by Oh-Johanna
Summary: Book 1 in the Saga of Professor R. J. Lupin. This, dear reader, is the unscrupulous tale of Professor R. J. Lupin. Here we shall follow his journey from boy to monster to man, and beg of him answers that we have long been without.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

This, dear reader, is the unscrupulous tale of Professor R. J. Lupin. Here we shall follow his journey from boy to monster to man, and beg of him answers that we have long been without. It is indeed a love story, for what is life without love? But this is so, so much more.

* * *

A loud, clear voice rang out across the Great Hall. "Remus Lupin."

Out from the crowd stepped a scrawny lad with mussed, brown hair up to the wooden stool. He sat, scrunching up his nose as the large hat was placed upon his head.

"Hmm.." It seemed to say, but almost as suddenly. "No doubt about this one. Another GRYFFINDOR!"

Nearly sweating with nerves the newly sorted boy went to join his house as the table cheered in welcome. He settled in next to a dark haired boy who slapped him on the back. "Well done!" He beamed, "You look like you'll get us loads of house points, doesn't he, James?"

The boy to the other side of him peered around, "Absolutely. You're smart aren't you?"

The young Gryffindor looked thoughtful, "I think so."

"I told you!" Chimed the first boy again. "Listen, we're counting on you..."

"Remus."

"Remus, eh?" Sirius tested out the sound of it. "Reeemus. That's not a bad one is it? Still think mine's the worst in the whole school though."

At that moment the same loud, clear voice rang out again, "Severus Snape."

James and the talkative boy looked at each other again dumbfounded, then proceeded to break out into loud laughter. From the stool a dark haired boy glowered at them, but neither seemed to notice.

In an effort to quell their afflictive merriment Remus cut in. "I didn't hear your name."

The boy whipped a tear on the sleeve of his robe and sat back up. "Name's Sirius. This here's James. He's the lucky one. You couldn't _ask_ for a more boring name. How do you mess with a name like _James_?" Sirius crinkled up his face and stuck out his tongue as though the name were disgusting.

"Yeah," said James. "Be jealous, go on. It's good for you to get used to it now. It'll be happening a lot more from now on."

The two boys started laughing again. Soon they began playing with their wands to see which could balance it on his nose the longest. As he tried to listen to the speech being made by the headmaster, Remus Lupin couldn't help but wonder whether his first day was going well or not.

That was the first time that he had spoken with James Potter and Sirius Black. He could still remember their smirking faces at his confusion. Later he would recall that they always seemed to be leaving him confused. They had a sort of language all their own that he would never really be privy to. For quite a time after that he just tried to keep up. Such, he supposed, is the nature of best friends.

After the feast was over and all announcements heard, if not listened to, the student filed off to their respective dormitories. The head boy showed them to their room and each found his belongings and examined the bed that was to be his for the next seven years.

Remus sat and diligently removed a calendar from his suitcase, plastering it on the wall with an adhesive charm. An act which caught the attention of a fellow classmate.

"How can you do that? We've only been at school for an hour!"

Remus blushed slightly. "My mum's been teaching me. Says magic's handy if you can use it right."

"Well she's spot on, isn't she, your mum." Called a voice from across the room. James was sitting cross-legged on his bed. "Just watch this!" he jumped up all of a sudden and hurled a book towards the window. It barreled straight through the glass and the sound of shattering filled the room. Everyone looked around horrified.

"No, no! Wait, watch!" He grew more excited as everyone starred in disbelief. The book came back and settled on his nightstand while the window reformed before their very eyes. Another moment and it was as though it had never happened.

"My dad told me about that. Says he broke a window one year chasing a house elf."

"Wicked!" Sirius came over and knocked on the new glass. "Bet there's loads of stuff like that around here."

Remus turned back to his calendar. He wasn't sure these were the types of friends he should be making here at Hogwarts. Like his mother told him, he was already causing the school enough trouble. He ran a red quill diagonally across the day's date and counted it out in his head. Six days till the next one. He was to report to the Professor Slughorn's office after classes and then… well, actually he hadn't been told what would be done with him yet.

The first year after the incident, his parents had tethered him to a tree in the yard. He didn't really blame them. They were too afraid to tell anyone what had happened. No neighborhood, not even a wizarding one, would want someone like him running around.

The head boy came in again and informed them of lights out. The room went dark and everyone shuffled into their covers. He kicked off his shoes and curled up against his pillow. Two beds over he saw James secretly practicing a waving motion with his wand. He caught Remus's eye and winked. Remus smiled back and watched for a little longer before drifting off to sleep.

Six days later he found himself outside of the potion master's door. His skin was pulling at him in all directions. He stretched his neck and blinked. He had begun to learn the signs. Once his blood felt as though it were moving in opposite directions he had to get away from people.

He heard someone approach behind him and spun around to see the Headmaster. He looked up to the towering figure above him.

"Hello, Remus." Dumbledore said. There was a certain benevolence in the way he addressed him. "Aren't you going to go in?"

Remus looked back nervously at the door.

"There are many things to be feared in the unknown, but one should never fear the unknown itself, for it holds wonders not yet dreamed of by men."

Dumbledore winked and the door swung open.

They stepped through the threshold and a cheerful Professor Slughorn appeared from behind a stack of books. "Ah, Albus, there you are."

"Evening, Horace. There's someone here I believe you've been expecting."

Horace looked down clutching the brim of his waistcoat. "Ah yes, Mr. Lupin. I of course have a potion for you here." He walked around to his cabinets and fumbled through them. "May work, may work. This is a tricky business." Bottles could be heard clanking together as he spoke. "I'm sure you're aware that one of my own students, Damocles Belby, is working on a draught to cure lycanthropy. Very remarkable student if I do say so myself. Then again, you yourself must have some remarkable qualities about you. I wager there's not many werewolves that have been accepted to Hogwarts. None that I've taught at any rate!"

There was a jolly, unencumbered quality about this man that Remus found unsettling. He looked up apprehensively to Dumbledore and received an amused nod in return. He didn't understand what these two men were on about. There was absolutely nothing cheerful about tonight.

"Here we are." Slughorn said at last. He produced a small vile, holding it out for them to see. Remus eyed the concoction suspiciously. "Afraid it won't taste very good, but it should do the trick."

"Thank you Horace." Said Dumbledore taking the vile. "As it's the first night, I think it best if I show young Mr. Lupin here."

The two professors exchanged a few dull words in parting and Remus was lead again out of the dark office into the corridor.

"Now," Said the kind old man. "If you'll walk with me, I'll show you where you'll spend each full moon. One of the professors will, of course, be close by at all times should anything happen. You needn't worry about that. As long as we take these precautions I see no reason you can't remain at school."

Remus walked beside him, shoulders slumped over and looking at the floor. He didn't know what the potion was. Something else they were trying. Not that anything had helped before. His parents had tried everything, hadn't they? Beetle's Burtles, Freeznums… Once, they had strapped him down across a table, arms and legs bound with tight charm-enhanced rope and wrapped his head in burlap so that it covered his eyes. They'd given him a fair helping of _Living Death_ and doused the burlap in what remained. It hadn't worked of course. Who could make a werewolf sleep? It is not in their nature.

They walked out of the castle doors, past brush and bramble, into the northern edge of the grounds where the whomping willow stood. Its massive form towered above them and Remus felt again the unease of this night. He glanced up at the waning sun. Soon it would begin.

Dumbledore raised his wand. Without a word a node near the base flattened itself against the bark and the giant branches that had been tottering in the breeze suddenly froze. Then Remus noticed an opening just at the base that he had not seen before and pointed. "Are we going in there?"

"We are."

Dumbledore waited as Remus furrowed his brow in concentration on the opening. "What's down there?"

"Only a way out and back in." Came the reply. "It leads to a place for you to be alone each month. So that you needn't worry of harming those around you. And there is a bed to rest when the morning comes." He gestured towards the tree. "Shall we go on?"

Another second and Remus nodded. Lowering themselves to the ground they crawled, student and teacher, between the roots into a dark passageway.

There was a whisper and suddenly the way was lit with floating candles that stretched out a few yards in front of them. As they moved, the candles they had passed would zoom ahead to light the way further down the path, and so on and so forth. At last they came to a dingy old room with stairs leading up to a trap door. The wood creaking beneath their weight as they climbed.

When the trap door was opened and Remus ventured his head up to view his surroundings he found the place gloomy and unwelcoming. There was almost no furniture and the windows had all been boarded up. He glanced around to another room and saw a large bed with what looked like new blankets and pillows tucked onto it.

"I know it doesn't look like much, but it will keep you safe." Dumbledore now produced two chairs and sat down, offering one to Remus. He removed the vile from beneath his robes and a glass materialized in front of them filling with what looked like pumpkin juice. He then poured a small amount from the vile and the liquids swirled together.

Dumbledore looked at the boy in front of him, robes spilling over from the chair to the floor. He watched the eyes twitching, red veins darting back and forth across the white. But Remus sat, calm and patient, as though unaware of what was already beginning to take place.

Dumbledore handed him the glass. "This is just a pain reliever for you. Though I'm not convinced it will help. Best take it all at once."

Remus took it and raised it to his lips. It smelled like sweet honey. Quickly he gulped it down and then made a retched face, gagging a little at the horrid flavor in his mouth. "The juice is just an illusion I'm afraid." Said Dumbledore, taking the cup. "Any real addition to the potion would negate its properties. If you can remember, tell Madam Pomfrey in the morning whether it helped. You haven't met her yet, but she is very kind and will take good care of you. She'll be escorting you each month from now on. And she'll be here each morning to give you anything you need."

Before standing he added. "_Is_ there anything you need?"

Remus shook his head. What he needed was to not be a werewolf. To not be here in this shack with horrid medicines and creepy, creaking walls, knowing that at any moment he would become a loathsome monster. What he needed was to be normal. What he needed was normal flesh, deep flesh.. soft and yielding..

Remus's fingers began to twitch on his lap where they rested, jerking and dancing as a machine attempting to play the piano.

He shook his head violently. There was pain through his neck and chest, vibrating against his bones. He felt his eyes grow wide and gave a cry as he fell hard on the floor. His nail dug into the splintering woods and the stretching of his limbs made him convulse.

Growls of torment escaped him, reverberating loud against the corners of the room. _Breath. Breath. Breath and bite.. _He forced himself up and threw his body hard against a wall. Robes were ripped and torn to the ground, the room, which before had only seemed grey, now was. Clinging to his own skin as the pain grew worse, he closed his eyes with the strain and thought only of _flesh_, he shivered. _Human flesh_.. _delicious salty flesh…_

That is where his memory ended.

The morning came with no light in this windowless house but there was a softness that had not been before. He opened his eyes to the stern face of a grey haired witch, fussing about the bed beside him.

"Well hello." She said. "Awake at last. Good, I need you to sit up."

To Remus, sitting up was the last thing he wanted to do. He felt the affects of last night's horrors and pains shot up through his body as she gently helped him to a sitting position.

"Are you steady there?" He nodded.

Releasing him she grabbed a tub of mucus-looking gunk from the table beside him and scooped up a handful. "This will hurt." She said. Taking his bare arm she rubbed in the ointment vigorously.

He let out a shock of pain. "I know, Mr Lupin. I know." She muttered. She came around to the other side and worked his other arm. It didn't hurt any less. "I'm sorry for this. But you have been gnawing yourself to pieces. There are bite marks all along your body. I'm afraid they need immediate attention."

Once done she laid Remus back against the pillow. He saw a look of pity in her eyes and she seemed to grow softer now. "There's breakfast here when you're ready, but you should rest now. I'll be back in a few hours."

Remus turned his face to the platter of food next to him as she left but he did not yet have the strength. He allowed his eyes to close once more and fell back to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Two days later Remus sat in the common room, busy pouring over assignments and readings from the day before. Everything considered, this full moon had been one of the smoothest he'd ever had. He'd woken up in a bed at least, rather than the yard.

A group of students wandered into the common room. Among them two boys that seemed to have taken a liking to him, though he hadn't quite figured out why. They were nothing alike, and he was almost always made uncomfortable by their shenanigans. One of them came over and plopped down next to Remus, feet dangling off the arm of the couch.

"Hey!" Sirius said. Remus jumped at the unexpected brashness of this greeting and a few papers fell to the floor at his feet. "Where you been?"

James walked over and stood just in front of him playing with a Floating Wizzer. He tossed it around in the air without it ever actually touching his hand. The little toy produced the most obnoxious whizzing noise as it spun about him.

Remus bent over to retrieve the fallen papers and noticed another boy standing just behind James. "This is Peter." Said James without looking away from his Wizzer. The slightly plump boy waved awkwardly at him. "Anyway, where were you? I had no one to copy Fig notes from."

"Fig?" He blinked.

"Transfiguration." Replied Sirius as the wizzer came dangerously close to Peter's ear. He ducked so violently that he barreled into two fourth years passing behind him.

"That's right." Said James again, ignoring the ruckus. "Our time's too precious to waste on all these long boring words. Ain't that right, Pete?"

Peter nodded vigorously behind him, standing a little farther back now for fear of getting hit.

"Well?" Came Sirius again.

"Well what?" Remus barely responded having delved back into his reading of bouncing bulbs.

"How come you missed? Didn't skip did you? Didn't think you could here."

He suddenly remembered the conversation and tactfully kept his eyes down. They began skimming back and forth over the same sentence. "My mum's been sick lately and I went to see her. We get sick a lot in my family. Something in our blood."

Well, he thought, that was sort of true. There was something in _his_ blood anyway.

Sirius lowered his voice and leaned forwards in mock concern. "You're not a _mudblood_ are you?"

For a moment Remus was taken aback. He turned wide-eyed, pen hovering above the book in his lap. But Sirius smiled and shoved his shoulder. "Lighten up will ya? Peter here's got loads of muggle in him."

Just then, as though someone had been listening in on their conversation, an owl flew through the small window of the Gryffindor common room, and a red envelop with silver steam emitting from his flaps landed on Sirius's arm. He immediately jumped up grabbing the letter and running up the stairs for their rooms. Remus starred after him curiously.

After a moment the furious, shrill voice of a woman could be heard through the floorboards. The words were mostly garbled and the meaning was lost to all but one of the students below.

James stopped twirling his toy and sunk himself down on the cough were Sirius had been. "Well, knew it was coming." He said to himself. Remus became a bit concerned for the boy he hardly knew. No howler could ever be pleasant.

A few minutes later Sirius appeared again on the stairs, walking slower and looking crosser than before. He came over and stood near the arm of the couch digging his hands in his pockets and starring at the floor. A moment's awkward pause followed until James bounded up from his seat. "My dad's just sent me a load of snout poppers." He said excitedly to Sirius. "Want to explore the wildlife of Hogwarts?"

Sirius nodded and James rushed up to his room to fetch the poppers. Sirius's crestfallen eyes met Remus's concerned ones for a moment and he shook them off as if nothing had happened. "You two can come if you want." He said turning to Peter.

"Yeah, that'll be great!" The boy said.

"What about it. Lupin?" Sirius turned towards the couch again and managed to shoot him a quick glance before returning his eyes to the floor.

Remus shook his head. "Can't. I have too much work to do."

Sirius shrugged as James bounded back down the stairs and together the three boys exited the common room. Remus turned back to his lessons. The room seemed much quieter now they'd left. He could hear the scratches of his quill as they met the parchment. The whole place seemed emptier somehow.

Surveying his surroundings he noted the Gryffindor hangings and pictures on the wall. He still had trouble believing that he was here, sitting in this very room as his parents had once done. It was very much like a dream, and one loud chime from the clock tower or sudden movement of a student rushing by would wake him from his slumber. Then all this would be gone, and he would have just woken up, face down, gnawing at the dirt, chained to that horrid tree.

It was past dark when the trio returned, James in the lead. No one noticed the small boy curled up in a corner chair reading his charms book.

"I didn't think a diricawl could jump that high!" James was saying as they marched in, boots muddy and tracking everywhere.

"Yeah, but the best were the leeches. They exploded, didn't they!" Peter Pettigrew made a large sweeping motion with his hands and jumped. "BOOM!"

James laughed. They walked in the direction of the stairs and paused only a moment for the lagging third. "You coming?" James asked.

Sirius gave a sort of hardened smile. "In a minute."

The disappearing sounds of James and Peter echoed down the stairs until they heard the bedroom door shut behind them. Sirius took the red envelope out from his pocket and rummaged around the room for a quill and paper. Upon success he sat cross-legged on the rug; paper sprawled out in front of him. He had a peculiar look on his face, a sort of anxious resistance.

Remus watched as he put quill to parchment several times without any progress, but each time dipping it into the ink. So much so that after his fourth attempt there was too much for the quill to handle and a large drop of ink blotted and splashed on the page. Frustrated he kicked his legs out from under him and the inkbottle spilled out onto the carpet soaking the paper along with it.

"Bollocks!" Sirius scrambled away from the wet mess.

Remus sat up pulling out his wand. "Scourgify." At once the black started shrinking and the carpet slowly became clean though the bottle was now too empty to be useful.

Sirius, now on his knees, looked up abashed. "How long have you been there?"

"A while." Remus said, tucking his wand back in his robes.

"You might've said."

Sirius seemed miffed. He grabbed the parchment once more and hauled himself onto the couch so as not to face Remus at all.

"Sorry, I –"

"Ah, no worries." Said the back of his head.

Remus sat there a moment longer before deciding he could do with some sleep. He shut the charms book along with the vast amount of papers and made to get up but suddenly Sirius turned and peered at him from behind the couch.

"You got parents?"

Remus thought this was an odd question. "Yes."

"They happy you're in Gryffindor?"

Remus crinkled his eyebrows. "Yeah, I guess so." _They're happy I'm here at all_. He thought.

"Of course. " Sirius said, turning around again.

"Why'd you ask?"

"Isn't it obvious?" The black eyes popped up again. It began to look like a poor puppet production with him coming in and out of view like that. "Don't you know who I am?"

Remus looked at him funny.

"Why, I'm Sirius Black!" He said, heightening himself. "A son of the ancient and noble house of Black!"

Remus couldn't tell from his tone if he was joking or not. There seemed to be a mixture of feeling rising in his speech.

He suddenly looked bitter. "My whole family's been Slytherin for centuries."

The brown hair disappeared from view once more and Remus got up from where he sat. Walking around he saw Sirius slumped into the couch, head upon the armrest and arms upon his eyes. He carefully sat at the boy's feet, books in lap, trying to think of something to say, though he didn't really understand the situation in the first place.

"Maybe you could ask the hat to reassign you.."

A loud snort came from the other end of the couch. "_Reassign_ me? Are you crazy? Do you think I _want_ to be like them?" Sirius sat up now. "They're a bunch of mad muggle-haters with nothing more than blood and money to their name!"

"Oh."

Remus didn't know how to respond to that. He'd never heard anyone speak so ill of their own family, especially with such an entertained expression.

Sirius laughed. "I like you Gryffindors. Never really met any till now."

Remus considered the rough-looking boy before him. He had a cocky smile and seemed as keen on being different from his family as Remus was keen on being the same as his. "So what's the problem?"

"Aren't you supposed to be smart?" Sirius mocked and sidled up next to him, wrapping one arm around his neck in an explanatory fashion. "The problem is, that I've broken my mother's heart, haven't I? And dad's sure to have my head when she tells him." He slumped his head against his arm so that his ruffled hair tickled Remus's cheek. "Guess I was born to be a rebel."

Remus smiled at this. It seemed funny to him.

"Well," Sirius said picking up a new piece of parchment. "Better make the most of it. How shall I tell the old bat off? What do you think of 'A poxy like you should worry more about her own bloody wigwams!' Too subtle?" He began scribbling with enthusiasm now and Remus looked over his shoulder and laughed.

"You can't really say that."

"And why not? Look I've said it already. But what next?"

"You could tell her how sorry you are--"

"For being born a Black! And I'm on the road to redemption!"

There was more scribbling and laughing. They finished the letter quite quickly, Sirius coming up with new and improved insults, Remus checking the spelling. Sirius never sent that copy of the letter though. He hid it away in his trunks and in the morning wrote a new one full of apologies and regrets, but he kept that first letter for a long time and when he left home some years later, that was the letter he left on his bed.

Remus went to bed that night deliriously happy, as he lay there with the covers drawn and eyes half lidded, ready for sleep. They had great fun with the letter. In fact, for the first time in a very long time, Remus forgot that he was a loathsome beast, and dangerous to anyone near him. He forgot that he was anything but an eleven-year-old boy, staying up later than his bedtime.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

On a long wooden table, the gaggle of boys hovered over four small beetles that were scampering frantically in all directions. On one end James and Sirius were grabbing their bugs, trying out different spells that they hoped would make the insects fight. Peter stood at the end merely trying to hold his still long enough to perform any sort of spell at all. Occasionally he paused to see what progress the others were making with the battle.

At one point a stray beetle ran across Remus's hand and he looked up to see who's it was. It appeared that Peter had all but forgot the assignment and stood transfixed in excitement. James had managed to provoke his beetle at last and it had charged in the direction of Sirius's where it struck the back wildly with its pincers.

"Hey! No fair, head start." Sirius cast an engorgio upon his own so as to have a better advantage. The larger proceeded to chase his attacker.

James then managed to conjure an antler jinx. His beetle suddenly stopped short in the chase and fell forward with the sudden weight of small horns that were sprouting from its head. Meanwhile, Sirius's bug had barreled into the smaller one from behind and now the two were pinching and charging each other furiously.

All four boys stood transfixed at the sight. Both James and Sirius cheering on their champions. Even Remus had to admit it was good fun.

Then, all of a sudden, the feuding beetles lunged into the air, ready to attack, but oddly enough landed with hollow clinking sounds, as buttons. All four students looked up to see a severe-looking Professor McGonagall towering above them.

Her chilling glare traveled from one face to the next. "It seems you three are going to need to practice this more carefully tonight in my office."

Holding out her hand she produced another small button. "I believe this belongs to you, Mr. Pettigrew." He hunched down in his seat and took the button reluctantly. "And since your classmates have been so distracting, Mr. Lupin," she turned crossly to him. "I suggest you join them."

Remus looked down at his own beetle. It was missing its head and four distinct holes had developed straight through its middle, but other than that it appeared to still be a beetle.

McGonagall turned to the class. "Alright everyone, enough for today. Your essays are due in a weeks time, so don't dawdle."

The students gathered up their books and stuffed their robes with wands. Remus looked sullen and scowled at his pathetic button. He was the first out the door, the other lads running to catch up.

"Detention! Can you believe it?" Sirius was saying.

"She's got some beetle in her bonnet, hasn't she?" Peter chimed.

Sirius laughed.

"Now there's an idea!" James exclaimed. "The third years are working with bowtruckles. I saw them yesterday. Bet we could get our hands on some by tonight. Put them in places she wouldn't expect, ya know?"

"Ha! What a laugh!" Sirius ran ahead and gave Remus a friendly, but enthusiastic tackle. "How 'bout it Remus? You can distract her—"

"I don't want any part of this." He snapped, shoving Sirius off roughly and readjusting his bag.

"What's with you?" James teased. "Its all in good fun."

"I wouldn't be in detention if that's all it ever was."

Remus stopped his striding and stared defiantly back at James. Sirius put a hand on his shoulder and cocked his eyebrows apologetically. "Look, we didn't mean it, mate. How'd we know the old bat would take it out on you too?"

"Whatever." Remus huffed back. "I'll see you guys later."

He stormed off in the direction of their next class. He had been so forbidding that for a moment the others forgot they were all going to the same place.

"What's with him?" Peter asked.

"Dun know." Sirius watched Remus turn the corner.

"Ah, he'll come around." James said and started walking again.

"Still, maybe we should lay off, at least for tonight." Sirius seemed to be out of spirits all of a sudden and James felt like he was losing the battle.

"Alright, alright, we'll get her back some other time."

Remus didn't speak to them for the rest of the day. He couldn't bring himself to. As they didn't know what they'd done, he couldn't tell them why he was so angry. He couldn't afford detention tonight. It was a full moon. The apprehension was eating at him all through Defense Against the Dark Arts. He wondered on and off whether he should speak to either Dumbledore or Madam Pomfrey. He couldn't risk it running late. It was mid December and the days weren't lasting as long. How much time did he have if they started at five? An hour? Less than an hour?

He scribbled fiercely on his parchment, what was it the Curse of the Bogies_ did?_ He just couldn't remember.

At five o'clock all four boys stood in front of McGonagall's office unbundling themselves from their red and gold scarves. Everyone stood in an awkward silence until Peter boldly broke it.

"Hey." His voice sort of croaked as he spoke and he looked around embarrassed.

Remus looked up. "Hey." Came the sullen reply. He could see Sirius eyeing him but ignored him the best he could.

James whispered something to Sirius and laughed. Remus glared even harder and pretended to be very interested in folding up his scarf.

At that moment the door opened, and a tall Professor McGonagall greeted them. "Gentlemen. Right on time. The three of you," she addressed the culprits, "may take your seats inside. You will find your assignment at your desks. That, along with your successfully transformed beetles I will expect to receive by the time is up. Professor Binns has been good enough to sit with you while I deal with Mr. Lupin here. I think it better if he were separated from this little party for tonight. He may actually get his work done."

The boys glanced around at each other. Binns. This may be worse than they anticipated. Only Sirius watched as Remus replaced his scarf and hoisted his satchel full of books once more, looking, if possible, even more sullen than before.

Professor McGonagall led him away and he didn't even glance up.

When they were aways down the corridor and the other lads had departed through McGonagall's office door, she spoke at last. He had been too preoccupied to ask where they were going.

"You'll want to put your coat on, I think. It's a bit windy outside tonight."

She looked kindly down at his confusion. "I'm afraid your detention will have to wait, Mr. Lupin, as tonight you and I both have more important matters to attend to."

He must have still looked dazed for she continued. "I understand Madame Pomfrey usually escorts you but the Headmaster has asked me to look after you for the next few months to see if there is anything I can do to help."

It dawned on him then that she must know. Did _everyone_ in the bloody castle know? Was he the only one not in the loop?

The thought of it suddenly made him very angry.

McGonagall turned her regal head upwards toward the sky. The mist was beginning to settle around them and they could feel winters chill as the sun sank beneath the trees.

"Come along." She said quietly, and he obeyed.

The scene played out as before, candles in the passageway, the creaking stairs and trapped door. He stood in the room once more looking around at the various scratches and marks upon the walls. One of the curtains had been ripped to shreds.

He waited for her to leave but she sat near the door very patiently.

"You can't stay." He said, and then stopped for it had sounded like a command. "I mean, no one can."

She smiled. "As I said, Mr. Lupin. The Headmaster has asked me to stay with you and I shall, but do not look so concerned. I promise you, you will not harm me, whatever you may think. You wont even notice me."

And as she said this he watched as her figure began to change. She seemed to shrink there before him and her features grew rounder, softer, much softer, for she had fur and paws and in a very short moment there in her place, sat a calm and handsome cat. Patiently waiting.

But he had only a moment to stare and wonder, for soon the image grew blurry and the room hot, and the transformation began again.


	4. Chapter 4

"Alright, Lupin. Spill it."

A few months later they had posed the question he knew would surely come, and bombarded him with it in the common room. It was well past Christmas. To Remus it seemed his first year was flying by so quickly that he had barely the breath to keep up.

"Go on, tell us. How is it you get out of classes so often?" James asked.

"Yeah! Aren't you the one who loves school so much? You're always studying 'n stuff." Sirius plopped down on the couch where Remus had been studying. Papers shuffled around and he calmly went about restoring their order, lingering as long as possible.

"I told you I get sick a lot." He said, as though it were nothing.

"Yeah, but this is like, a lot, in'it?"

He couldn't recall exactly how he'd fended them off that first time. And after awhile their badgering became so common he'd forgotten to worry about it. He never dreamed they'd be stupid enough to follow him. But thinking back, he really should've expected it. It was only by the grace of Merlin that Dumbledore had caught them that night, before anything terrible happened.

He, of course, could not remember it, but their version of the tale was thrilling. He'd never seen what he became when he transformed. Their description of a terrible beast that rose high above them at once horrified him. He gapped at the image their words conjured in his head. So he was hideous, so he was a beast.

Sirius and James didn't seem to understand his shame and they baffled at his distraught reaction. "Are you kidding? You were brilliant!" Sirius beamed. "I always thought you were kinda' skittish, but you're crazy tougher than I imagined. If only you could control it."

"Its not a gift," He remembered saying affronted. "I'd never wish it on either of you."

"Yeah but think of it," James said. "If you could just turn into it whenever you wanted, you could get anything! No one would ever mess with you."

Remus looked cross.

"Ah, don't look that way. I'm sorry. It must be hard. I mean.. I guess that's why your robes always look like that, huh?"

Remus tugged ashamedly at his tattering robes. His second pair this year.

"Naw, I think it's rugged." Sirius interrupted. "Quite fancy some tears myself. Wouldn't want the girls noticing you more than they do me." He began to tug roughly at his robes. The fabric was unwittingly stronger than he imagined and his small attempt soon turned into a mad struggle by both James and Sirius, each pulling in different directions.

From across the room came a disapproving, "Honestly." And they stopped short to glance over at a fellow first year, Lilly Evans, who was shaking her head.

"Alright then," said Sirius, getting back to the subject at hand. "Its obvious now you're the bigger man." At this Remus almost blushed. "You're the only one who can tear robes. Would you?" He held out the end of the fabric to Remus in a humorous manor.

Remus couldn't help but smile and bringing out his wand flicked into the cloth a long, jagged tear.

"Brilliant!" Sirius shouted studying the tear. "This is why we need you around."

"I still say you're lucky to miss classes every month," James said, brushing off the comment from the girl as best he could. "Wish I could be a wicked, deadly animal for a night."

"Shh!" Remus hushed, looking around frantically.

"Hey, why can't we?" Sirius asked suddenly. "I've seen that old bird do it loads of times!"

"Who?" James asked.

"McGonagall. She can do that animiganus thing."

"That's 'animagus.'" Remus corrected. "And you shouldn't say such things about a professor. Its not polite."

"Still, I bet we could go out with you if we knew how to do it. "

The two boys mused over this newfound knowledge and Remus thought of their Professor. She had been with him for the past several of his transformations always perched in her stern, patent way, tail curled about her, unmoving. But she was always gone in the morning and the school nurse would have taken her place, much less stern, much less quiet, much more adamant about her duty to scrub and rub him all over with ointments and things.

Neither she, nor anyone else, had told him why she was now escorting him down each month and he hadn't asked. Nobody seemed to like to talk about it, least of all him. It was strange now, to sit there and listen to the merry chatter of James and Sirius. They hadn't blinked an eye about it. They seemed to think it some game that no one would let them play, and they were determined to do so. It comforted him, the nonchalant way they spoke and how brazenly they use the word werewolf in his presence. Everyone else seemed afraid to. As though saying it would make it worse.

Sirius turned to him then and broke him form his thoughts. "I tell you what, by the end of the summer, James and I will have figured out how to do it and we'll come with you next year."

Remus bit his lip nervously. "I'm not so sure.."

"Oh come on, Reemy!" James cooed. "It'll be great fun!"

"Reemie?" Sirius but in. Isn't his name bad enough, James?" At this Remus had to smile. "Better make it Moony." He said with extra emphasis on the oo sound and James let out his best werewolf impression with a loud howl.

All about the common room people turned their head curiously at the commotion. Sirius laughed at his friend and Remus, horrified, grabbed the nearest pillow and walloped James in the head.

Surprised but excited James picked up his own pillow and returned the favor. By the time that Peter found them the three had broken out into an every-man-for-himself style pillow fight.

"Wha'd I miss?" He said, paddling over to them in a hurry.

"Oh, Peter, its great! You'll never guess!"

But a sharp hand clasped around James' mouth, jerking him back, and Sirius piped up, "We've got to show you something down by the lake!"

Remus looked sharply at Sirius with a worried expression on his face. Sirius lowered his voice, "Ah, come on Moony, we can tell Peter. And we'll make a pact tonight, nobody but us."

Remus looked hesitant.

Again Sirius's voice seemed to lower even more and he leaned over a only a bit. "Look, we won't let anything happen to you."

He seemed nervous and Remus wondered what could have sparked this sudden shyness. But a grin spread across his lips and Remus allowed himself to be won over by the other boy's smile, and nodded.

From somewhere beneath them they heard the muffled sound of James, hand still clapped over his mouth, felled by the force of it. "Are you two finished?"

"Come on," Sirius grinned, releasing James and grabbing Remus's hand instead. "We'll need you to help explain." And together all four boys tromped out of the portal way from the Gryffindor common room.

.

.

Remus received few letters from either James or Sirius over the summer holidays but each one contained what they thought to be cleverly hidden hints to their progress as animagi.

He began to miss them sorely. Since his 'accident' he'd not had someone whom he could call a friend. And now, here were three, for Peter had been as accepting as the rest, swept up in the excitement of having a "real-live werewolf on there side." Whatever that meant.

The days spread out slowly, the nights even slower. Here there was no safe haven from his monster and each month he watched as his parents grew uneasy waiting for the next full moon. His mother must have received a letter from Hogwarts for she had gone out one day and purchased the same nasty smelling ointment that Madam Pomfrey had used, and she took to rubbing his arms and legs in the morning.

He loved his mother. For all her worries and hesitations, and most especially through her fears, she had taken care of him as best she could. And when she rubbed in the mixture it was softer, with cooing sounds to lessen the pain. And she would brushed his ruffled hair as he fell back to sleep.

His father was a different story, though he knew he still loved his son. It seemed harder for him somehow. He was more distant.

"He blames himself." His mother told him.

His mother, a muggle forced to endure what no witch could. And yet she was kind and patient, and tried her best to be understanding.

Remus had heard his parents arguing a few years back. When they thought him sound asleep. He'd seen a side of his mother he wished he hadn't. He'd peered around the living room door and there each object she stood, hurling any thing she could hold at his father and he with his wand, bringing them gently to the ground beside him as they flew at him. His face grief stricken and defeated.

He only half remembered the curses and cries that his mother made that night. But he remembered their meaning, and bits and pieces would flit into his mind every so often.

"You and your people," she had said. "What have you done to my son? I am powerless against you! You horrible, horrible people!"

Maybe she had meant it. Maybe it was only her grief. She'd collapsed on the floor in weeping then and wouldn't let his father go near, "My son, my only son."

His parents had seemed estranged from each other since then. And his father had kept his distance.

When he did acknowledge his son it was with a firm attitude of how a wizard ought to be: Civil, and well mannered, yet strong, and able to take on the world. This was the best that he could give his son now.

The first day Remus had acquired a wand his father took him in the back yard and taught him defensive spells. He hadn't really got the hang of them then, but his father worked with him, and he wanted to badly to please his father.

His mother would always be standing at the kitchen window watching them. Her expression revealing nothing.

That had been last summer. This summer something seemed different. Both his parents seemed happier, and you'd never seen a prouder father when his son returned home a Gryffindor. Tears actually welled in the old man's eyes.

His mother, not too knowledgeable of the significance of Hogwarts, still knew all too well the significance of her son's acceptance into a part of their world. And she saw too, as all mothers do, her son's happiness brimming over.

To Remus, that summer seemed to mend something within his family, though the fear and guilt still gripped them. But he was thankful for this small favor at least.


	5. Chapter 5

As Remus knew they wouldn't, none of the boys came back that summer knowing how to become animagi. But James reassured him that he would be the first to figure it out as they'd boarded the train.

Sirius himself had remained at a respectful distance while on the platform. Remus could see the Blacks standing very straight and tall, clustered around one another. Together the group made an unpleasant sight, his parents with their upturned noses, glaring distastefully at the wizards around them. There was a smaller boy beside Sirius, trying to look as tall as his parents. He seemed to be just as proud, but did not wear the same scorn that they held with such ease.

Sirius stood there, it seemed, without looking at anything or anyone. Remus had never seen him so stiff, and never so… so serious! He'd never really thought about it before, but they couldn't have chosen a less appropriate name for their son.

A few more arrogant-looking wizards joined the group. One older girl with perfect blond hair stayed for only a minute before moving on to join her Slytherin friends. Sirius looked at the floor as his mother bent and spoke to him, gesturing to the girl who'd just left. As she spoke his father began to look more and more severe until he silenced her with a sharp outburst.

They lingered only a minute longer before departing the station without so much as a goodbye to their first son, except a stern glare from his father.

Once the group had departed through the portal, Sirius let out a large, heavy sigh, and then reached to muss up the combed hair on his head. Remus chuckled. Finally Sirius looked around and for a moment they locked eyes. He seemed embarrassed by the smile Remus was wearing and turned away quickly.

But James ran up then, tackling Sirius to the ground and the two boys began laughing and rolling around as usual. Remus suddenly felt as though he was interrupting and turned away from the scene, intending to board the train.

"Oi!" Came a voice from behind him. He stopped and James came sauntering up followed by a much less put-together Sirius who had undone most of his trappings. "What gives? Made other friends over the summer? We not good enough for you now?" He stood in front of Lupin with his hands on his hips.

Remus stammered. "No, of course not—"

"Lay of him James." Came Sirius and leaned an arm on his friend's shoulder.

James looked mockingly cross. "How come you always take his side then?"

"I just don't want to end up eaten and displayed all over the Daily Profit, that's all. This blokes a killer, ya know." He said with a mocking thumb gesture.

James stepped back and gave a comical look of shock lowering himself to groveling position on the ground. "Oh Great Moony! Forgive me for my ignorant ways. You are our master! You are all-powerful! You are—"

Remus grabbed James to pull him up. "Stop it, stop it. Its not funny."

James stood and dusted himself off.

"It is though, you know." Sirius said.

Remus turned to him now and immediately the boy's expression changed. Sirius seemed to became a little nervous, but bugger if Remus could figure out why. He smiled cautiously and said 'hi.' Serious gave an awkward 'hi' back.

"It didn't work, by the way," James said annoyed. "In case you were wondering. Bloody animagus transfiguration is harder than I thought it would be. Guess we'll have to pay more attention to McGonagall this year."

Sirius scrunched up his nose and stuck out his tongue in look of pure disgust. "I think I'd rather eat a bucket of glumbumbles. Be a lot more pleasant wouldn' it?"

"We could ask Kettleburn if he's got any for you." James smirked and dogged an attack. "Course, I prefer to use our secret weapon here." He threw an arm around Remus who blushed.

"You two want to learn it, you two have to study it," he said. But he was pleased at their continued admiration in his abilities at least.

"Alright then, we'll tackle the old witch ourselves. And I guarantee I'll be the first to figure it out. You can put that in the books."

He _was_ the first one, but only by a day, Sirius wasn't far behind.

As James wheeled him around to board the train, arm still across shoulder, Remus caught a glimpse of Sirius's face. He looked a little more than put out at the attention Remus was receiving from James.

That was the first time Remus began to suspect that the two boy's affectionate nature might have been a little more than friendly. But James had a tight hold on him down the hall of the train as he explained his tactics for conquering the spell, and Sirius followed behind them wordless. In the carriage though Remus sat opposite James in an effort to not upset Sirius any further.

It was all right with him, he thought, if they _did_ like each other. There was a shopkeeper near his home who'd lived with the same man for eighteen years. They'd always been very nice to him and his mother always said they made the best baked breads. It shouldn't matter if his best friends were.. were what they were.

It shouldn't have mattered, but as the train pulled out of the station and they began their long journey to Hogwarts, something deep in the bottom of his stomach told him that it did.

.

.

.

A few months went by with the boys accomplishing very little in their attempts to become animagi. But their attempts to create as much havoc as possible was going quite well. Between the four of them, unfortunately, Remus did not quite cancel out all the points lost by his fellow mates. The only reason, he thought, that Gryffindor wasn't in last place was a girl in their year named Lily Evans. Thank goodness she despised them, or else she might have been caught up in their mischief like he was.

Professor McGonagall continued to sit with him through the nights when he transformed, but after a few months she stopped coming and Madam Pomfrey resumed the position of escorting him down to the Shrieking Shack. She didn't stay of course. She couldn't.

He had grown used to the Transfiguration Professor and now missed her presence. While most of the students only seemed to recognize her stern manner, under the light of a full moon, while everyone else was tucked away in the castle, and she sat, calm and deliberate with him in that quiet room, she seemed the kindest person in all of Hogwarts.

He liked the answers she gave to his questions, they were precise and unwavering. When he asked her if she was afraid sitting with him through the night, she smiled. "Who would be afraid of a little boy, Mr. Lupin?"

When he didn't look convinced she directed her large, resolute eyes towards him. "People only fear what they cannot understand. I am very fortunate to have never given in to such ignorance or abhorrence. It is the ambition of Hogwarts to continue these teachings. I trust, Mr. Lupin, in you at least we will succeed."

He'd given her a small nod, unsure if he would ever be able to live up to this. And the room began to get fuzzier, grayer. She glanced out the window and then back to him.

"Close your eyes, Mr. Lupin." She said. "It will help."

And for a small moment, it did.

Now there was no one to bid him close his eyes. No one to sit with him while he waited for the urges to take over. Madam Pomfrey was afraid; she wanted to be as far away as she could when he began his transformation. Without McGonagall's calm presence the room was empty, with only his thoughts to keep him company, and they were not kind.

Eventually it was Dumbledore who met Remus outside the door of Hogwarts. It had been a long while since they had spoken privately but the gratefulness he felt for the headmaster had by now grown into a deep respect. It was partially due to his mother. She had been writing to him since her son left and she spoke better of no one else.

But it was of course the deep seeded gratitude for a man who had moved mountains for him. Who had trusted him when no one else would, including himself. He would not be an outcast from the world because of this remarkable wizard before him.

"Good evening, Remus." He said, making his way slowly over the stone steps.

"Good evening, sir."

"I thought I might join you for a walk, if you don't mind. The night air is too irresistible for these old bones."

Remus nodded. "Of course, sir."

They walked a ways down the hill, over the grass, Dumbledore chatting leisurely. "How is your second year coming along? I see you have made some very interesting friends."

Remus wasn't sure whether the headmaster approved or not. It was suddenly very important that he did. "Yes, sir." He said cautiously.

"Good. I hope they aren't getting you into too much trouble." He winked and Lupin's spirits rose. He became more open now, discussing more about his progress at the school and the professors. Eventually the conversation reached a place where it seemed Dumbledore had guessed it would go and was anticipating it.

"Ah yes, Professor McGonagall," the Headmaster said thoughtfully, "She has been telling me about her visits with you. I hope you don't mind that I asked her to be with you."

"You asked her to?"

"Oh yes, you see, she has a rare talent that, despite my infinite wisdom, I do not possess. That being of course, her skills as an animagus. I wonder, do you know the significance of this?"

Remus looked down and began to pick at his fingernails. He hated talking about his _condition_. "A little.. Werewolves only go after humans, so I.. so _they_ wont hurt a cat."

He nodded. "That's right. Madam Pomfrey spoke to me about your scratches. She is most concerned about the harm you are doing to yourself. I asked Professor McGonagall to observe your behavior, to see if there is a way to prevent them."

Remus looked at the ground. If was horrible, talking about him as though he were a beast that had no control over himself. It was the truth, but it was horrible to hear.

By now they had reached the shack and the two stood at the bottom of the stairs. Dumbledore turned to Remus very sincerely. "She was very reluctant to provide what I am about to show you. And it has taken a great deal of time for her to perfect the spell. But it may save you much harm during the night. I am reluctant to show it to you myself, it is not a pretty sight. It is perhaps better that I should explain first."

Dumbledore conjured up two chairs, just as he had the first night he'd shown Remus this dusty, dingy place. They sat and Remus tried to make his feet touch the floor, he was still a little short.

"You know why you hurt yourself, Remus." It was a question but one that Remus found to be rhetorical. "The mind of a werewolf craves only one thing, and when that thing is denied them, they must compensate for the void created by this need." He tried to be kind, and his voice was soft and gentle but Remus braced himself for what would come next, though nothing could have prepared him for it. "Professor McGonagall and I have found only one solution for this problem, the emulation of human flesh."

Remus made an instinctive repulsed reaction and jerked back in his chair.

Dumbledore continued on as though nothing had happened. "There is an art to Transfiguration, the ability to change a substance without actually making it wholly one thing or another. The object, a book of a chair, will be transformed. It will not become a person, but it will so much resemble one that 'the werewolf' may be convinced and so satisfied. But let me assure you that no human or animal of any kind will actually be harmed." He placed his hands calmly on his lap. "Do you understand this?"

Remus looked up now. As Dumbledore spoke his face had grown from shocked to horrified and then utterly disgusted. He could not imagine ripping the flesh off of anything, human or fallacy. The idea of it made him shiver. He looked at Dumbledore as though he'd handed Remus a knife and ordered the boy to gut him right there where he sat.

The headmaster seemed to read these thoughts. "You are, of course, at liberty to decline. The Professor and I have worked very hard at assuring the transformation will only _resemble_ the human body, it.. it may ease some of your pain …would you like to see it before you make your decision?" He asked at last.

Remus nodded calmly but as they ascended the stairs and opened the trap door his face grew white and all the blood seemed to drain from him at once. In a corner of the room, in a heap upon the floor lay a body, curled into itself and distorted, wearing a black cloak. Its face looked empty and its movement strange but it turned its head to look at them when they entered.

"No." was his immediate response. "I wont do it, get it out of here."

He could feel his heart beating fast in his chest and first he thought it was only horror but he soon realized the confliction in it between man and beast. A part of him could already smell it. "I don't want to do it!" he said again, louder.

Dumbledore brought forth his wand and in an instant the man-like being turned swiftly back into a bedside lamp. Remus starred at it breathing hard, trying to block the image from his mind.

Dumbledore placed a kind hand on the boys shoulder. "I'm sorry." He said after a moment. "I should have listened to Professor McGonagall, she knew you would never consent."


	6. Chapter 6

The next few weeks felt like a blur to Remus. The image of the half-man kept him up at nights and ate at his conscious during the day. He must be a monster, he thought. They were so terrified of him that they would.. they would.. he tried not to think about the crumpled human they had offered up as bait. As though, as though he were an animal. _I am an animal_. He would remind himself. _I should be treated like one._

But the knowledge that even the most understanding, the best and kindest of wizards saw him for the beast he really was, was too much for him, and there were times when he had to slip away to a quiet corridor to weep into his hands.

In doing so the many scars and that covered him would burn at the salt in those tears as they fell. He could not escape himself. No matter how hard he fought. His newfound friendships with three fellow Gryffindors was his only escape from his reality.

There was a Saturday afternoon that spring, a welcomed reprieve from classes, not quite time for their exams, when Remus had not yet forgotten that face on the floor and yet was happy because the sun was out, the breeze was cool and his friends surrounded him with no judgments nor words.

The four boys lay in the grass not doing much of anything. A fact that was being pointed out by Sirius every few minutes.

"I'm booored!" he whined.

"There's nothing to do." James shrugged. He was messing with his wavy hair. It had finally grown long enough that it started to fall just over his eyes and he was working out different maneuvers to keep it in place.

"That's what I'm saying." Sirius gruffed. "When's your mum gonna' send another of her famous 'care packages.' It's been weeks since we've had a decent laugh with exploding snap cards or something."

"Dun know." James replied, not really paying attention.

"What about you, Peter?"

"Me mum said I can't have packages no more, after what happened with the last one."

"You didn't tell her about what we did with the gobstones did you?"

Peter looked embarrassed and Remus laughed.

"Its your own fault if he did. You nearly killed him."

"Not that you were any help." Sirius wheeled and threw a fist-full of pulled grass. The light stems hit the breeze, flittered and fell gracefully about him.

"You shouldn't have done it in the first place." Remus chided, but he was still smiling, as though he'd found the whole scenario rather enjoyable.

"We should have!" Sirius said jerking himself up. "It was loads of fun! Wasn't it James?"

"Mm-hmm." Came the reply, which Remus supposed was not the reaction Sirius wanted because he suddenly jumped up, standing at full height, and wielded a long stick in James's face.

He raised his voice in a righteous, commanding tone. "This lack of enthusiasm is a disgrace to the great wizard Godric Gryffindor! Stand sir and defend your honor."

James made to grab the stick but Sirius was too fast and he was forced to scramble for a stick of his own.

Peter jumped up then looking for another stick. "I'll fight! I'm a true Gryffindor!"

Sirius placed a stern hand on Peter's shoulder, branch sill held out in front. "I'm afraid you cannot, my fellow companion. This is a high wizards duel, which must be fought with honor, and dignity, and—hey ow!"

James had found a stick by this point and jabbed Sirius in the stomach while he was busy sermonizing. This of course started anything but a duel of honor and dignity. The two boys swung their swords about their heads, bashing them against the others and making horribly loud sound effects to accompany it. And they played dirty.

Remus laughed at them as Peter sat back down beside him.

"No worries, Peter." Sirius shouted, "You can keep our secret weapon at bay until I am forced to unleash him against this rogue!"

"I wont fail you!" Peter saluted ad Sirius made an attempt to do the same but was accosted by the sharp wood once more.

Peter looked at Remus expecting him to be laughing just as he was but the boy had become very quiet and pensive.

"You ok then?" Peter asked.

"Brilliant. Why?"

"James and Sirius say you been actin' odd."

"Maybe, but by their standards 'odd' is a word that really should be disregarded." Remus grinned but Peter stared at him blankly. "Never mind. I'm fine. Just tired."

"Oh." He looked at his hands. "You mean from the werewolf stuff?"

Remus shut his eyes momentarily and a flash of flesh crossed his mind. He shook the image from his head and opened them again. "Yes. That."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw two familiar figures walking side by side towards the lake. Remus turned to see if the duelers had noticed, praying that they hadn't, but it was too late. James's voice rang out loud and clear, "Well if it isn't our old friend, _Snivellus_. Come for a game Snivy? Want to try your luck?"

James was standing as tall as he could make himself and Sirius let out a laugh. Remus turned to the dark haired boy who stopped dead in his tracks, an ugly scowl across his lips.

"Shove off." He said a little weakly.

"Aw, what's the matter?" James teased. "Afraid I might show your friend here how pathetic you are?"

"Shut up, Potter!" Came his companion's chastising voice. "No one wants to play a stupid stick game when real wizards use their wands, especially with you." Lilly Evans stood defiantly beside Severus looking more than a little cross.

"James." Remus said quietly.

"Leave off, Remus," Sirius rebuffed. He stood next to James now looking eager for a fight. "Looks like we Gryffindors will once again have to put you _snakes_ in your place."

Lilly sneered at them. "If I were you I'd question whether Hogwarts hadn't made a mistake when they excepted a few half-wits like you in the first place!"

She grabbed Severus by the arm, "Come on," she said quieter now. "We're better shot of low-life's like them."

Severus jerked around furiously and shook his arm free of hers as they walk away. Sirius threw his 'sword' as hard as he could but it didn't clear half the distance. "Aw, poxy pists!" he huffed. "What a lousy git."

James continued watching their retreat and ran a hand absentmindedly through his hair.

"Well, so much for that. I'm bored again." Sirius grinned slumping down next to Remus. "Alright, you duel James and Peter and I can make bets. What say you, Peter? Pathetic little lump like James, or the deadliest wizard-beast to ever walk these castle halls? I'll bet you two chocolate frogs it'll be our Moony here."

Sirius slapped Remus's back and Peter looked back and forth between the two contenders.

"Count me out." Remus said throwing his hands up.

"Aw, come on Moony! For me?" Sirius pouted up at him and Remus had to laugh, he shoved him over and Sirius rolled to the ground.

"I'm done too," James suddenly said. "Bit of a bore when no one loses an eye. I'm gonna' take a few laps around the Quidditch pitch."

He tossed his branch and mussed his hair again. "I'll see you guys later."

"I'll come!" Peter called as he walked off towards the field and galloped after him.

"Later." Remus said.

Sirius let his head plop back onto the grass. "Well, there goes another one." He picked of a blade and pressed it to his lips. Puffing up his cheeks to blow he tried to make a screeching sound, but none came.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked.

"Whaddya' mean whaddo I mean? Just that." He attempted to blow harder so that his face contorted in the most peculiar way.

"Just what though? Where has he gone?"

Sirius threw the piece of grass he was working with down and plucked another to try his luck with it, ignoring the question.

"It's not Bahraini Screeching Grass, put it down and tell me what you mean."

Sirius threw his second piece away disappointed and looked up comically at Remus's frustrated expression. "Haven't you noticed? Our Prongs has found himself a girl."

Remus looked blankly back at him and Sirius resumed his resting position. "Trouble is," he chuckled, "She wouldn't fancy him if he had a whole bucket of Slughorn's love juice. She's the worst sort of snob. Dreadfully boring. You'd like her." He boxed Remus's knee playfully.

Remus didn't seem to notice the slight on his character though, he was suddenly very confused. It wasn't that James liked a girl, James was just the sort who would. He loved attention and being admired. The thing was though, that Sirius seemed so calm and at ease about it.

"But I thought—" He stopped.

"You thought what?" Sirius glanced up curiously.

"Thought he liked someone else, is all." He finished lamely.

"Who? I'd like to know. He's done enough talking about this Lilly person. Bound to drive me mad."

"If you weren't already."

Sirius grinned. "Well said. But I wouldn't be so lofty there, _Moony_."

Remus forced a smile. He was not yet used to the flippant way Sirius and James talked about his condition.

"I don't _want_ to be mad." He said quietly.

"Yup!" Sirius grinned. "_That_ is why I shall always be the better man." He rolled over on his stomach and pulled out his wand. Remus watched him casting various spells on the grass. The blades began to turn from red to blue to yellow, occasionally caught fire.

There was a short silence that past when Remus batted around the thoughts in his head. Maybe James and Sirius were just friends after all. In fact, if James fancied a girl that meant they _had_ to be just friends. That day at the station, there must have been something else troubling Sirius. Maybe he thought Remus had been laughing at him and his family.

Whatever the reason, he didn't seem upset by James feelings, more humored than anything. Slightly annoyed, but when was he not? _Well then good_, Remus thought. It was better that way. But even as he thought this he couldn't put a finger on why.

He looked at his friend and at once felt a hollow wave of regret. All of a sudden he felt the urge to tell him the whole sordid story of his life, the parts he'd never told anyone.

Then for no apparent reason he said, "I got out of the yard once. Wasn't pretty. Caused a lot of damage before they finally caught me." He dug his heel into the dirt. "I was pretty small then."

Sirius rolled on his side, his head resting on one hand. "I'd like to see that sometime."

It was an endearing way he had said these words but Remus was too determined in his abhorrence to notice. "I could have killed someone!"

"But you didn't, did you?"

"That's not the point."

"Oh _who cares_ what the point is, Moony," Sirius scoffed. "Look at you! You have adventure and danger and- and- and _really_ wicked fangs! I'd kill to be you! And so would James if he weren't too much of a git to admit it."

"Being_ dangerous_ is not something to envy." Once more thoughts of the man-like creature flitted before his eyes. "It's awful when I'm not here, I never know what I'll do."

He could here sounds of scratching, bite, tearing. "I'm always tired, I always hurt!" his blood was beginning to boil and it flowed faster and faster. "Even Dumbledore doesn't trust me and—"

The grass between them suddenly burst into a blue, smoking flame.

"Ah!" Sirius yelled and jumped back. Remus scrambled to move himself away and barely managed to retrieve his wand as he stumbled.

Of course a few flicks with it made him realize he wouldn't be able to control whatever thing Sirius had done to the guiltless grass. Sirius began to laugh with utter glee and Remus looked at him through a rattled expression. But the boy's merriment seemed to calm something within him and as he heard the laughter, his muscles relaxed, his face calmed, his mouth curved into a smile. And then he was laughing right along side him. He was a boy again.

From across the lawn a tall witch with an intimidating attire of black robes and pointed hat was striding in their direction.

"Oh, banger whiskers." Sirius groaned. "Come on!" He said, and grabbed Remus's wrist.

Without thinking Remus followed the other boy's flight and both ran joyously down the hill's slope towards a separate entrance of the castle. Barreling through the nearest door they collided against each other against an adjacent wall and then shimmied their bodies into a small opening that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

They collapsed inside laughing delightedly and from a distance the distinct shouting of Professor McGonagall could be heard.

Remus tried to muffle a giggle and Sirius shot a finger over his mouth. "Shhhh! That old bat's got the ears of a kneazle."

They slumped down on the floor to catch their breath and soon the shouting subsided and nothing more could be heard outside their little sanctuary.

"Well anyway," Sirius said quietly, continuing a conversation Remus thought long forgotten. "_I_ like you."


	7. Chapter 7

In his third year, Remus elected to take Ancient Runes, and as he was the only one of the group to do so, he was expecting to actually get some work done in the class. It came as a surprise to him then, when during the very first week he was partnered with fellow Gryffindor, Lilly Evans.

It was most unfortunate for him because only the day before James had managed to round up a small jar of woodlouses, which in turn managed to find themselves showered over Severus Snape as he walked under a particular staircase.

In truth, he didn't know what to say to her.

She eyed him wearily when he first sat but looked quickly away. The days lessons were simple, learning the markings, the different patterns if they could be recognized. It was after all, only their third lesson.

Lilly never looked up from her books and Remus felt too embarrassed to speak, so the whole class was spent reading and memorizing silently. There were many symbols that Remus had no idea of their part in the etchings and got lost quite a few times. But if Lilly were having the same problem she kept it to herself.

Soon class ended and they exited the room without having spoken a word.

Remus pleaded with James and Sirius later that week. The request that they stop tormenting the greasy-haired Slytherin, however, caused Sirius to spew his morning pumpkin juice all over James.

The other boy hastily grabbed his wand and shot the sticky mess back onto Sirius. Remus regarded him in a surprised manner. "Been practicing cleansing spells?"

"They come in handy sometimes." He said brushing the hair out of his eyes arrogantly.

"No way." Sirius spoke up whipping his wand around trying to get rid of the pumpkin smell. "No way, no how!"

"I'm just sayin' you could lay off for a bit." Remus tried again. "I _need_ to pass Runes." They looked at him skeptically. "Come on guys, for me?"

The two friends gave a sidelong glance but their answer was already written on their face.

"Sorry, Remus," Sirius shook his head. "We couldn't just sit back and let that foul wanker have free reign of our school."

"Yeah," James concluded. "If that tosser Evans is all bent up about _Snivellus_ she's probably too thick to help you anyway. You're better shot of her, I say."

Remus's small hopes sank. Oh yeah, he thought, the Lilly issue. Of course James would say something like that. Sirius had spent all summer convincing him that she wasn't worth their time. And that really, quote, _a snot-loving princess like that deserves what she gets_. There was no convincing either of them. He would have to make do.

It was several weeks before Lilly spoke to Remus. And she might not have even then if Sirius hadn't tripped Severus in the hall just before class. But as it was she entered the room in a horrible mood, slumped herself down in her seat and after a moment turned to Remus with a look of shear exasperation.

"Why can't you and your friends leave Severus alone? He never does anything to you! You bully him and think its funny but it's just pathetic!"

"I never—"

"I'll bet your all just _itching_ to join that, that dark wizard person. Then you'd get to bully the rest of the world."

"But I—"

"You make me sick."

She whirled around and opened her book forcefully, refusing to look at him again.

He starred at her baffled. Had he really just been grouped together with Sirius and James? And worse, had she really insinuated that any of them would want to join Lord Voldemort?

He'd been reading about the wizard a little in the Daily Profit, and bits and pieces of information trickled in from other sources; older classmates, teachers, his parents. The wizard had a horrible reputation for torture and a loathe of anyone who was not of pure blood. They said his followers were nasty and unmerciful if they made you their target. At the moment though, it was unclear why they were causing such havoc.

He felt suddenly offended. Was he not the son of a muggle mother? A woman whom he adored beyond anyone else in this world? Had he not been the victim of hate and vengeance from his father's offence? How dare she say such things to him! How dare she think such things of his friends, who had understood and loved him from the very start? How dare she –

But why wouldn't she?

It suddenly occurred to him that she knew nothing about him, nothing about James or Sirius. Only what she saw. No wonder she hated him so.

He regarded her a moment. Her hair pinned back above her ears, strawberry blond ringlets falling about her shoulders. She looked to be the sweetest girl he'd ever seen, and he hated the thought of being hated. Maybe if she had been as foul and dim-witted as his friends had described, he would not have minded so. But he had put forth so much effort in not being hated – because of what he was – that he could not stand it now, when this good-hearted witch detested him.

He wanted to make things right, but didn't know where to begin. And more realistically, it may take a long time, should he succeed. The only thing he could think of right then, was to defend himself against the accusations that he could.

So once the days lesson had been announced and everyone scattered to their books and translation tablets he leaned over just slightly so that she could hear him clearly, and said, "My mother is the most wonderful muggle that ever lived."

She looked at him with a confused but still very much angry expression. He ignored this and opened his book. That would have to be enough for now. He didn't quite know how to break past the wall. But he would. He was determined to do so.

In the following weeks Remus did everything he could to keep James and Sirius away from Severus and Lilly. Fortunately for him, the boys were more preoccupied with Quidditch than anything else, and spent much of their time on the pitch.

In classes he tried to sit between the two groups, blocking eye contact, or any vision at all. It was all about stealth, because the moment the other boys realized what he was doing there would be trouble. He knew he couldn't really stop them, but he could make it more difficult. And he tried at every opportunity. Even going so far as to suggest joining Peeves in throwing pepper bombs down a first year corridor. Not one of his proudest moments.

To his great surprise, however, Lilly Evans seemed to notice the small attempts he was making, and even begrudgingly let him offer his assistance when she was struggling with the adjunctive symbols.

By the time that Quidditch try-outs arrived, she was even being cordial to him. He and Peter sat in the stands above, squinting down at the gaggle of heads with brooms on the ground.

"That's him!" Peter said pointing to an indeterminate figure.

"Naw, can't be. Broom's brand new." Remus replied.

They eyeballed the group again. The fact of the matter was that the bloody stands were too high up and the ground too low for any decent view that wasn't in the air.

"Let's just wait for it to start, we'll find 'em then."

Remus glanced to his left. A group of Slytherins occupied that side of the stand. Most were from their House team, all had come to jeer and ridicule the potential new players of Gryffindor's. Even Sirius's smaller brother, Regulus. He'd aged only a little since Remus had seen him last and he beamed over at the excitement of being invited to watch. Remus guessed it was more to torture Sirius than to please Regulus.

There was only one girl in the group who weren't on the team. The same blond girl from the platform, whom he now knew as Narcissa. She sat beside Lucius Malfoy, the slimiest person Remus had ever had the misfortune to know. They looked made for one another. Gold hair glistening around their faces, and so proud, so sure.

Remus didn't want to count Sirius's relations. He never spoke of them except with hate, and if hey were there now, he'd need some extra cheering from the Gryffindor side to keep a level head.

"Found 'em!" Peter said beside him, and he turned back to the pitch.

Down below two boys were already hovering on their brooms chasing each other around, using the other students as obstacles.

"Yup, that's them."

To their other side, Remus caught a glimpse of Lilly entering the stands. She sat with two other girls their age, chatting about something Remus couldn't hear in a light-hearted manner.

She caught his eye and he nodded a greeting. She gave a solemn nod back and resumed her conversation.

Perfect, Remus thought. This was just the excuse for conversation that he had been hoping for, and he made sure he brought up Quidditch the next time they were in class.

"What's she doing here?" Peter asked groughly.

"I'm sure she' got other friends besides Snape." Remus responded.

"Hardly likely though, is it. It's not like he's got other friends."

"I'm sure that's not true either. I wouldn't listen to everything James and Sirius tell you. It's not like they actually know what they're talking about anyway."

"Well how do you know then?" Peter asked earnestly.

"Well.." Remus fumbled. "I don't. But a person can't have just one friend. They'd go mad."

"Maybe that's what's wrong with him."

Remus was starting to regret his attempts to explain the human psyche. "There's nothing wrong with him."

"If you say so."

"I do. Let's just watch, they're starting."

Peter shrugged but was contented to watch the pitch. Every time the quaffle got near a ring he would breath sharply and scrunched himself up, horrified at what may happen. It didn't even matter who was defending or shooting.

James was doing an impressive job on his broom, diving when the other seeker wouldn't dive, taking the plays that to any other rider, and to Remus, seemed exceptionally stupid, but brilliant. There was no doubt in his mind that James would take he seeker position this year. Could have taken it the year before if it had been open. It seemed he and the broom were made for each other.

Sirius, on the other hand, was a slightly different, and not so readable player. Of course he had tried for beater. What else would he rather do that wield a heavy bat around like a madman, trying to cream someone with a large heavy ball. Of course, he didn't quite understand his role as a defense mechanism, but he knew where the he wanted the ball to go, and that was the other team.

To put it lightly, he was wild.

Remus was unsure if this year's captain would embrace Sirius's unconventional methods.

When they were done, Sirius was the first to greet them at the bottom of the stand. Remus hadn't made it two steps beyond the stair when he was tackled from behind. They rolled and scrambled a good distance before Sirius finally pinned him laughing. He was covered, head to toe in dirt and scratches, hair matted and bleeding in various places. But you couldn't deny his beaming look of pure joy.

"Guess whose beater!" He said. "Guess, guess!"

Remus pushed him off him. "I'll bet its Wesley Ink, guys got a right arm like you'd never—"

"it is _NOT_ Wesley Ink." Sirius shouted, making the name sloppy and funny sounding. "I wouldn't trust him ten pitch lengths from the bludger."

"Nor I." Concurred James, sauntering up behind them.

"What happened?" Peter asked excitedly. "Did you make it?"

James wore a cocky grin. "Of course I made it. Sirius too."

Peter let out a holler and Sirius jumped up to join him. jumped up and hooking arms the two boys danced around hollering at the top of their lungs.

"You should have played, Moony." James said offering him a hand and hoisting him up. "Coulda' made you quite popular with the ladies."

Remus blushed slightly at the suggestion. "No, I prefer to keep a low profile. You know."

"Pity." James said. "Cause I saw more than a few birds eyein' you in the stands. Jenny Mifler seemed pretty keen on you."

Sirius and Peter abruptly stopped their howling.

"Moony got a girlfriend then?" Sirius teased.

"No, I haven't." Remus said quietly.

"Ooh, denial! Go on Moony, tell us who she is."

"I haven't got one. I don't want one." Remus said annoyed.

"No?" James said as a few of their classmates walked passed. The group of girls eyed them pleasantly and he ran a hand through his hair.

Sirius gave them all a theatrical bow, very stoic-like.

"I'll bet I get one of them by Christmas," James said. "Could use a date to Slughorn's party.

"Yeah," Sirius said, leaning against his shoulder. "I've already got one."

"Who?" Peter asked alarmed.

Sirius smirked. "Abigail Abberstien. She doesn't know it yet, but she's gonna' _love_ me."

He bit the air aggressively and James and Peter let out a wave of laughter.

Over his shoulder Remus studied the girl in question; Beautiful blond hair that swished and fell all the way to the dip of her back. She smiled wide and full with lips to match and as she walked Remus could see in her everything that a young boy would desire.

He wasn't sure why, but knowing it made his heart sink. She was probably perfect. Probably as wild and flirty as Sirius was. They would be perfect for each other.

But maybe nothing would come of it. Sirius had a tendency to talk grander than he acted.

"Who's you're pick then, James? That one's off limits." Sirius was saying.

"_I_ won't need to pick." James shrugged. "She'll come to me."

"Ooh, get a load of this crock. You hearin' this Remus? Believe a word of it?"

Remus turned back to them and donned an acceptable smile. "I think there's more chance of them coming to me with that attitude."

Sirius burst back into laughter, as if the whole concept were absurd and James put on his best hurt face.

"Why, Remus John Lupin, that was so hurtful. So mean! I… I'm just… I'm just so _proud_ of you!" His face contorted as though he were holding back tears and Remus broke into a true smile.

"Oh, oh Sirius!" James called in a frail voice. "Our little boy's growin' up."

"There were still so many things we should have told him!" Sirius wailed.

James threw himself on top of Sirius and both made the sounds of weeping parents until Remus placed a silencing charm upon the both of them, which earned him a chase back to the castle.


	8. Author's Note

Author's Note:

.

.

.

Hey Guys!

Just one quick thing while I'm thinking of it. I keep getting a lot of subscriptions and 'favoriting' for this story, so I know there's some interest out there, but I haven't gotten very many comments at all, so I don't really know how I'm doing. It'd be great if you could pipe up once in a while to tell me what you liked or didn't like. And it would give me some extra motivation for writing the story. I know you're not obligated to comment, but I'd love to hear from you. Hope you liked the latest installment and the rest to come!.

Thanks In Advance,

The Author


	9. Chapter 8

"James isn't all bad." Remus was saying a few months later. Runes class had become a lot more enjoyable now that Lilly had warmed up to him. They had reached a sort of understanding. She could like him without having to like his mates in the slightest.

"No, not compared to that git, Sirius."

An addendum which she seemed to take to heart.

"Sirius isn't a git either." Remus said quickly. "He just gets carried away."

"Maybe he's not a git to you but he's a git to everyone else. You've just got a bias, is all."

"No I haven't!"

"Then how do you call what he and James do to Severus not git-worthy?" She put her hands on her hips now, waiting for a response.

Remus looked around as though searching for an answer. "Its just their way of having fun." He said finally.

"Yeah some fun. Never mind who it hurts, right?"

"It isn't like that."

"It is like that, Remus. You're just too good to realize it. You could never be so horrible."

Remus gave a sad smile. If she only knew how horrible he could be. But if she thought James and Sirius behaved monstrously, she would never think him kind, or good. Not if she knew what he really was.

"They're not horrible, Lilly. I mean, I didn't have a friend till I met them. And they had no reason to like me."

"Lots of people didn't have friends before they came here." She said sounding less accusing now and more reflective. "Doesn't mean the ones they make are good ones."

Remus could see where the lines of her face became more pronounced. Having spent so many hours trying to read that exact expression, he now knew it well.

He waited a moment, debating whether they had reached the point in their relationship where he could ask such a personal question. But attempting to swallow his nervousness at speaking with a girl – an activity that had occurred very rarely up until this point – he spoke up, his voice almost cracking.

"Something the matter?"

"Other than your horrid friends?" She retorted.

Nope, not at that point yet. Good to know. "Sorry I asked." He said, and turned back to his work.

She began tapping her wand on her desk distractedly.

"Oi! Stop it, will ya? You're melting the desk."

Lily looked up distracted. "Oh bugger."

Remus pulled out his own wand and gave it a sharp flick. The desk solidified instantly but remained in its misshapen form. Lilly eyed him amusedly.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I haven't been getting enough sleep for Charms class."

She swished her wand in a lighter fashion and the desk resumed its original form.

"Fortunately for you, I have been."

She was very different from his group of friends. But then again, in many ways quite similar. She liked to joke and goof around. And was constantly teasing him, but in a genuine way. She was just a little more responsible. More reasonable. More… well, more of a girl, he guessed. If this were what all girls were like, he might quite like to fancy one after all. Funny how the thought had never occurred to him before.

"Why _have_ you been getting so little sleep?" She asked.

Oh Merlin, he thought. He'd thought to have a little more time before she started asking questions.

"Bad dreams, I guess." He replied. Bad dreams sounded like something a person would know not to pry about. A bloke wouldn't, at any rate. Too embarrassing. "Keep me up a lot."

"What sort of dreams?"

Apparently, however, the female mind worked differently. "What chu' mean?" He asked confused.

"I mean what sort of dreams are keeping you from sleeping? They can't be pleasant ones."

If possible, his eyes narrowed even more in confusion. "You.. you want to hear about my bad dreams."

She shrugged. "I was only curious. You needn't answer. I just wanted to know something about you. I've heard… that is, there are those that have other notions of why you're always tired and.. and miss so much class."

There it was. She was fishing for an answer to some rumor going around. And he could just guess who she'd heard it from.

"Probably _certain people_ who've been telling you stories about me, is it?"

"Look I didn't mean—"

"Don't trouble yourself. It's not as if I'm not used to it. Like I said, Sirius and James were the first to not care what people thought of me. Guess there's a loyalty there."

Lilly looked at him in a way that suggested she understood, somehow, what he meant.

"Severus has been saying things, but I don't believe them in the slightest. I just thought that maybe if I knew what was wrong I could help. Like I said before, it doesn't hurt to have more friends."

Remus eyed her hesitantly. "Does that make us friends?"

She thought on it for a minute, then held out her hand confidently in front of her. "It does."

He studied the hand momentarily. Of course she was fine to be his friend now. But how long could he keep the truth from her? She was too smart not to catch on soon. Especially with Severus to guide her. The way that boy starred at him in the hall, it was like he already knew, he was just waiting to see it for himself.

But, he thought, he could use a friend away from the boys. Maybe see a side of Hogwarts that hadn't been shown to him before. And a side of life.

He smiled awkwardly and made his decision.

"My mother always said a handshake's no good unless you bind it with spit."

Lily grinned. "I think I'd like your mother."

Then they each drew saliva, spit, and shook. And so began one of the fondest friendships of his life.

Of course, getting Sirius and James to understand this at first, was a completely different story.

"Whatta' ya mean you _like_ her?"

Sirius nearly fell off his seat at the breakfast table when James shouted.

"I mean she's a good person and she's nice to be around." Remus tried to calm him.

"I hope that's all you mean." Sirius said righting himself. "Don't want to hear about you changing sides on us."

"That _is_ all I mean." Remus confirmed to James terrified expression. "And we don't have side here, Sir."

"Says you." Sirius stuffed a sausage in his mouth.

Next to him James tried to start his heart again. Remus could tell the news had rattled him beyond what it should have. He was most assuredly not over Lilly Evans. Looking back on it, Remus thought he probably should have phrased the sentence a little better in the first place.

"Look." Remus said. "She's the only other person in the school who doesn't think I'm up to no good, or a mental case—"

"You _are_ a mental case." Sirius chimed. "You're barking!"

Remus began to get upset. "Ever think that maybe you're just jealous that I've got friends other than you lot."

"Ha! Like I'd be jealous of a catch like Evans!"

"Like she'd ever let you near her." Remus flared. "Or any other girl for that matter."

Sirius's face was a mixture of astonishment and rage.

"Guys, come on." Peter chirped.

"That's what you think, is it?" Sirius stood up and threw his fork down on the plate. "Yeah, looks like someone's jealous here, but it bloody well doesn't look like its me."

No one followed him as he stormed his way out of the Great Hall. And if the commotion had been noticed by any of the staff they said not a word.

"Wha'd you go an' say that for?" Peter asked. "He didn't do anything, did he James?"

James opened his mouth to speak but then sighed. "Nothing any different than usual." He said. "You ok, Remus? I mean, moon's only a few days away—"

"Not everything I do is governed by the moon, James. I do have a mind of my own, you know."

"I know it." James said, lifting up his hands in defense. "But you know how he gets. He's not gonna' forget this lightly. Especially now that he's goin' out with Abberstein."

"He's what?" Remus's face fell, and with it seemed to fall all of his irrational anger.

"Yeah," Said Peter. "Finally won her over last night. We were gonna' tell you but you were at the library so late. Didn't get a chance till now."

"Oh." Remus said awkwardly. He had suddenly lost his appetite.

"She's pretty isn't she?" James grinned and Peter responded the same. "Tell you the truth I didn't think he had it in him to beat me but you gotta' give him credit."

"What was it a race then?" Remus asked annoyed.

"Well, not _only_." James smirked. "Anyway with the way I've been playing the pitch I'm not worried about Sluggy's party. They'll be lining up to be my date."

James words, and everything else around him, seemed to fade into the background. Sirius was dating someone. A girl. Sirius was dating a girl. Again his thoughts seemed muddled and bizarre. Well why shouldn't Sirius be dating a girl? Plenty of people were. There was nothing unusual about it. And from the sound of it James would be dating someone soon too.

But somehow the thought of James holding hands and snogging on the couch with some pretty little blond didn't strike the same note of dread in his gullet as it did with Sirius. Maybe it was just the loyalty thing. The first friend thing. Maybe he just didn't want to lose the first person who he could remember looking at him like a person.

He didn't now what else there could be to it.

Remus was so distracted by his thoughts that he didn't notice the students filing out to begin their classes until James tugged on his shirt.

"Come on. Time to face the music. – literally because I think Kettleburn's found where we hid all his old 'Brews of the 1770s' albums." He shuddered.

That night, Remus really did have dreams. Terrible dreams, and he woke from his sleep in horrible sweats, clutching at his sheets. But whatever images had roused such a fear in him they were gone as soon as he opened his eyes. Not a speck of image remaining.

Maybe James was right, maybe it was just the moon. The first night of the cycle was always the worst. If it was just that then he and Sirius could laugh it off. He'd understand. Animal instinct and whatnot.

But Remus knew that wasn't what it was. He just couldn't put his finger on it. And he wished to Merlin that he could because over the next few weeks it only got worse. He would become angry for no reason, snap at people. Didn't want to do his schoolwork.

Just seeing Sirius and Abigail together, the way she laughed at all of his jokes, even the stupid ones. It made his blood boil. If she were present at all, he became foul, irritable. He didn't know what was happening to him. He'd never been like this before. Ever.

He started spending more time alone, thinking that maybe the stress of it would lesson, but it didn't. It only managed to make him dwell on it more.

Lilly was his only reprieve from his thoughts. She was a breath of fresh air and never once failed to bring a smile to his heavy face. He thought that she could sense in him an unhappiness, and brought him out into the light with just her stories and her laughter. Lilly was not part of his other world. She didn't know any other Remus but this one. She didn't know the monster at all, and in her presence he felt calmed, somehow.

But it wasn't enough to keep the nightmares at bay.

Shortly before the Christmas holidays Remus pulled James aside, exhausted and weakened from his transformation the night before.

The two boys stood in a corner where they couldn't be overheard and Remus spoke in a hushed manner. He could still feel the blood that was not his blood swimming through him.

"What if.. what if it's taking over." He said.

"What's taking over?" James asked

"The werewolf. What if I'm becoming it."

"Don't be stupid."

"I'm not! It's possible you know. I've got all the symptoms, I know them by heart. I just feel so rotten, _all_ the time. Like I want to rip the heads off everyone."

James raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to rip my head off?" He asked. "Right here, right now. Tear me up and bite me to pieces just for the sake of it?"

Remus was taken aback. "No."

"Well then, my professional opinion is that you are not becoming a werewolf." James said, taking him by the shoulders. "You just need some sleep. I've seen you. You toss and turn like there's trampies attacking you, and then you're up before the rest of us."

Remus didn't respond.

"Look," James sighed. "It's Christmas, and you wont have another 'spell' for a month. Go home and enjoy it. How often do we get presents, anyway?"

Remus nodded reluctantly. James didn't look convinced. "Yeah well, you keep that promise. We need your help with the last bit of the m-a-p." He said mysteriously. "Its nearly finished. And it'll be loads of help for goin' out with you every month. Did Sirius tell you he managed a tail last week?"

Remus looked up surprised. "No, he didn't."

"We've been practicing day and night. We're looking out for you, mate. And don't worry," he said with a grin. "Even if you do become a full-time werewolf you wont be able to shake us off. We're in it for life."

Remus looked at James. The other boy's eyes were as giddy with anticipation as though a whole box of exploding marbles had been dropped on his doorstep. They were there, Remus had to remind himself. They really weren't going anywhere.

He couldn't believe Sirius had conjured a tail, he wondered what sort. It would most likely look like his patronus but you never knew. He wanted to find him before they left to ask him. They hadn't seen much of each other lately, what with the girlfriend and everything, but he'd been practicing his animagus. That was something at least. In fact, that was a lot.

Remus looked around the room and saw Sirius from a ways away. Beside him James was doing his best mime impression to tell Sirius that he'd just informed Remus of the new tail.

Sirius beamed and gave Remus a wink.

Maybe the Christmas holidays weren't going to be so bad after all.


End file.
